So many things zipping and zapping through my head!
When I stare at two or more objects, I see a new creation.
Imagining different possibilities of meshing technologies,
Playing a story through my head while making it up along the way and at the same time and getting lost in it.
Darn...what were you saying?
Sorry, I get so caught up in my mind.
That's what I'll say to you when I'm trapped in my brain before you lure me out of it.
For some reason, you are very open to me.
Here I am listening, mind wide open, to you.
You've got a friend in me.
If you ever need me,
Just call me and I'll rush over in a flutter-like way.
1,2,3 There I sprinkled you with a little of my imagination, VOILA! You're on a journey.
The smile on your face after I made you feel the warmth of joy makes me feel fulfilled.
Small and quick, I can move around quite a lot,
which is very handy in my busy life.
A bit clumsy,
a dash of sassy,
a high-pitched voice,
a somewhat childish attitude
are my flaws and gifts I can't control.
I hate to say it, but I am easily influenced by the closest people when they don't believe in me, and what I am capable of.
I feel as if my spark of confidence slowly dies out.
My glow of wittiness and glee is gone, making my lifeless face visible to all.
But I'm back up again with a little encouragement from my friends.
WIth all that I am made up of, I can be your understanding, committed, and loyal friend if I've known you for quite a while.
Get me angry, or even complement me about the tiniest thing and my cheeks will turn flushed red.
I am who I am.
Small, humorous, clumsy, but whole-heartedly loving,
I guess you can compare me to a pixie.
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Isabelle! (:
ReplyDeleteI love your poem! For some reason, it reminds me of those red spice commercials, i dont know why. Aha, anyway, after reading you poem, my first impression is excited or hyper. I guess it's because there's a lot going on and you seem really busy, in the poem.
Evocative language: zipping and zapping through my head, I'll rush over in a flutter-like way, sprinkled you with a little of my imagination, Small and quick, I can move around quite a lot, A bit clumsy, a dash of sassy, a high-pitched voice, a somewhat childish attitude, my cheeks will turn flushed red.
Figurative Language: There's imagery because I can picture a small person/pixie thing fluttering around and getting distracted. I can see cheeks turning red when mad or complemented. I can see a clumsy, sassy, childish girl moving quickly.
The allusion of your poem is based on tinkerbell because after reading the poem, there are a few hints like "flutter-like way", "sprinkle imagination," "zipping and zapping," "I guess you can compare me to a pixie" and more that lead to you as tinkerbell.
I think you should add some more hints about your character, like maybe the people she hangs out with or the place she lives, "neverland."
Overall, great poem! (:
-Kristen Monico (:
Isabellaa (:
ReplyDeleteGirl, I am diggin' this poem! Haha, seriously though, you've done an excellent job portraying yourself in this poem as Tinkerbell!
A lot of the details you used to describe you made me think, "yupp that's her!" Like "A bit clumsy,
a dash of sassy,
a high-pitched voice,
a somewhat childish attitude
are my flaws and gifts I can't control. " - Reminds me so much of both you and Tinkerbell!
There were only a few, if any, mechanical errors that are easy fixes. You had "WIth" in one of your stanzas, but that's no problem. For some reason, I just can't find anything too wrong with this poem. I enjoyed reading this poem of yours (:
Hi Isabelle,
ReplyDeleteGreat job on this poem. You've captured a "Tink like" voice in the poem, especially at the beginning.
Some comments on word choice:
"rush over in a flutter like way"--stronger to just say "flutter over"
"a somewhat childish attitude"--just say, "a childish attitude" (or see if you can make it even more direct while preserving the sentence fluency and parallel)
Comments on verses 7 & 8: I think those can be more direct. Right now, they're like paragraphs broken up into lines of the poem. Let me know if you have questions and I'll help you with this. The material in those verses is great...they just need to fit better in format and in rhythm with the rest of the poem.
and a comment on the graphic--I think you need to put more of yourself into the graphic. Right now it looks mostly Disney...even if you do the drawing, you still want it to show you, rather than Tinkerbell.
mrs s